“Hypnotic Orgasms,” the press release read, “are one of the most intense types of Orgasms and can be had by both women and men. The process is simple and scientific. Come see for yourself.”
The email made me laugh, and not because of the all-too-obvious pun. I was skeptical. It’s not that I don’t believe in the possibility of a hypnotically induced orgasm — after all, the mind is the most powerful sexual organ — but because the person conducting the free workshop and demonstration billed himself as an “Erotic Comedy Hypnotist.”
Not only should the terms “erotic” and “comedy” never be paired, but the Feb. 14 workshop was scheduled to take place at a Mexican restaurant in Marietta. You know, because nothing says orgasms quite like queso and guacamole. (Mmmmm … queso.)
Upon reading the press release, I asked my best friend, Google, for some more information on erotic hypnosis. The search shared with me a video of a woman having a hypnotically induced orgasm on a couch.
As the male hypnotist snapped his fingers and said a key word used to create a post-hypnotic suggestion, or a suggestion given under hypnosis that is expected to be acted upon by the person in either an awake or hypnotic state, the woman writhed and moaned, bucking her hips toward the sky like she was trying to become one with Jesus.
I’m not gonna lie, I was impressed. I wanted badly to believe. As I watched the video, I pictured myself meeting a man and telling him I can make him come with my mind, as he rolls his eyes and gives a “bitchbecrazy” side-eye to his friend. Then I’d take him home with me and BAM! Like I’m some kind of orgasm sorcerer blessed with a magic wand. He’d never want to leave! (Muahahahaha!)
It wasn’t just the men I bed that I wanted to share my findings with, but my female friends, too. According to the Kinsey Institute, 75 percent of men always reach orgasm with their partner, while only 29 percent of women said the same. But despite the small percentage of women who can always reach orgasm, a 2009 study conducted by researchers from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University found that 74 percent of women have faked orgasm. Meanwhile, only 55 percent of men in the same sample believed they can tell when their female partner is faking.
That is to say, if you’re a heterosexual man, chances are your woman is faking it and you don’t even know. And if you’re a heterosexual woman, you aren’t just lying to your man, you’re lying to yourself, and creating a false reality that ends up making the women who aren’t afraid to say “I’m not gonna come” look like weirdos.
So on Valentine’s Day, I put on my best erotic-hypnotism-workshop outfit and walked into a Mexican restaurant in Marietta alone (all my friends were “working”), secretly crossing my fingers that at least one person would be flailing like a fish out of water, and not because they were epileptic.